Frozen Futures Forecasted

I am going through old papers, photos, zines, articles, tax-returns, reciepts, memories going back nearly 30 years (when I was at an early age wanting to document everything)... I read through old papers from college, letters from friends, notes and postcards. I have a letter I wrote to a friend, 1/2 finished, unsent - full of scribbles and doodles, some attempt to be austute (i'm name dropping french theorists like crazy), my 2 year crush on a college friend, written in poetic (and pretentious) verse.
In it - here's something I wrote (warning, it's probably to elicit pity and laughter at my expense): "I realize I hate playing games - pool, cards, pinball... because I set myself up in the zero-sum game for failure. I want to "pass", "disqualify", "lose" so I can get out of playing... I want to fail.... I want to fail anything I attempt after college. I want to fail college. I want to fail several courses. I want to neglect responsibilities and be thrown out on my my ass, and when people drive by in their Lincoln town cars, I can spit on their automatic windows and curse them and their income. I can say "I SAW IT COMING AND I JUMPED SHIP! IF YOU WERE SMART, YOU'D DO IT TOO!!"
God - if that's not early 90's Gen-X'er angst, I don't know what is. It's suprising that I had this internalized - I know that I do have a propensity for failure (in fact, I know that in any intimate situation, be it work, a project, or relationship - the big expectation that "i might f*** this up at any given moment as I usually do" looms high). It just makes me want to time travel and smack me upside the head. Again, this is why I hate the past.

Golden Cluster Seed

I'm sick... and in need of rest and fluids. Came down with something a few days ago and now it's making my voice gurgly, my lungs are compressed and I'm dry and hot. I wonder if I have MRSA and if I caught it from the gym... Of course, this is my own subtle hypochondria (the rational kind that says "you might have it, you never know", but doesn't convince me 100%). I used to think I had staph a while back when I get my facial breakouts, but found out it's just a benign cold sore. I know I don't have MRSA - it's just a bad cold and a combination of not sleeping right. I'm going to be worse for wear tomorrow if I even attempt to go to Pony. I am more angry that I can't go to the gym. I've missed 4 days in a row now and (yes, this puts me in Teen Aneroxia Camp) I feel myself getting fatter - the body fat crawling back up my body in a vengence. I would go and try to sweat it out - but I know it's just going to make myself sicker and probably give others the same damn cold. I hate being sick. I wasn't sick like this last year. Sigh.

Turkey Time - Gobble, Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving and all that excess!
And remember, if you have issues with eating turkey's - they're not high on the evolutionary scale (*they apparently go into heat when they see a dismembered turkey head on a stick) and are really just dumb feathered reptiles begging to be consumed.
Enjoy!
J.D.

Special Effects

Today was colder than a witch's titty, and I am secretly happy because of it. It sets priorities, makes people dress in furs and act wrecklessly indoors. People drink and eat more, line their mantles and hearths with faux-evergreens in a bid to deny global warming ever existed... Heaters go up, gas prices go up, tempers flare. Disposability is where you throw your waste into the snow thinking you'll never see it again. The world gets colder and people are intrinsically in both survival and nesting mode.
It was also the day that Oprah had her 'Favorite Things' episode. In Macon, GA. She gave out assorted prizes to screaming fans (her legion of southern soccer moms) among them a refrigerator with an HDTV it. Fans screamed. Heads exploded and women went batshit because they were taking home a major appliance that was same price as a new car. Hmm, GA - isn't there a drought there or something? Shouldn't the message be to send water? Oh well. Weather, as usual, is just an excuse to behave badly in any circumstance.

Sugar Problem

Ok - so, I'm picking this back up after a year of cheating on you with Livejournal (actually - it was erratic and I didn't do as nearly as much as I did here... This has been a very strange last 2 weeks. I've had come face to face with the past as I had signed into Facebook and stumbled upon old college friends (Amy, Lampy, Jon Dickey)... Then there was this edict from my condo board to clear out my storage unit to take care of this plumbing issue - which lead to me sifting through tons of old memories (that still sit in boxes on my living room floor. I really need to go through them, but I end up reading them and taking hours away from tasks such as writing blogs, or finishing that film of Grandma's I've meaning to complete the last 2 years)... In any case, the past seems to be a theme lately. I can't shake it. Wish it away. Maybe it's because I feel like I've pissed away some good years - or maybe that I could have lived up to something better (all of it resounding with the big word f-a-i-l-u-r-e which makes me really want to wall up and not leave...) I hate running into the past for this reason. Am I this neurotic and bitter? No - just today. Sigh. I woke up inadequate and struggled throughout the day to take myself seriously and not elicit sympathy (I have a headcold)...
In any case - enough whining - my topic du jour is the demise of Sugar - the clone club that went from a bad gay disco (Manray-54 knock off) to horrible-bad str8 hiphop club. I've kept my mouth shut on SLOG when incidents went down on Pike (shootings and people yelling "Fag" out windows), but I can't say I'm sad to see it leave. There's a mean spirit on Pike/Pine that didn't use to exist. People weren't exactly friendly and "community" wasn't prevalent, but it wasn't as insular and self-absorbed. The sound of bottles breaking usually happened in BellTown, a sign that hetero boys were showing dominance by destroying civic property (that and usually fighting for some inane reason). In any case -- there's chatter that maybe Pony should move in there? Appropo - I'd be willing to even throw down a few Benjamins to invest.