I am going through old papers, photos, zines, articles, tax-returns, reciepts, memories going back nearly 30 years (when I was at an early age wanting to document everything)... I read through old papers from college, letters from friends, notes and postcards. I have a letter I wrote to a friend, 1/2 finished, unsent - full of scribbles and doodles, some attempt to be austute (i'm name dropping french theorists like crazy), my 2 year crush on a college friend, written in poetic (and pretentious) verse.
In it - here's something I wrote (warning, it's probably to elicit pity and laughter at my expense): "I realize I hate playing games - pool, cards, pinball... because I set myself up in the zero-sum game for failure. I want to "pass", "disqualify", "lose" so I can get out of playing... I want to fail.... I want to fail anything I attempt after college. I want to fail college. I want to fail several courses. I want to neglect responsibilities and be thrown out on my my ass, and when people drive by in their Lincoln town cars, I can spit on their automatic windows and curse them and their income. I can say "I SAW IT COMING AND I JUMPED SHIP! IF YOU WERE SMART, YOU'D DO IT TOO!!"
God - if that's not early 90's Gen-X'er angst, I don't know what is. It's suprising that I had this internalized - I know that I do have a propensity for failure (in fact, I know that in any intimate situation, be it work, a project, or relationship - the big expectation that "i might f*** this up at any given moment as I usually do" looms high). It just makes me want to time travel and smack me upside the head. Again, this is why I hate the past.
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